Ah, the good old days. When New Jersey Nets basketball thrived and anyone who wished had the opportunity to sex Mutombo. But with the trade deadline ended, the Nets have let go of the most important player in franchise history not named Julius Erving, after years of subtracting the players Nets fans truly appreciated. So as I mourn a team that seems doomed to being irrelevant until they move to Brooklyn, allow me a few words of rememberance to former players, and wishful thinking to those that remain.
Jason Kidd
Without him, this team would have moved to Brooklyn already. And not a shiny new Bruce Ratner funded arena, but a dilapitated building in Bushwick that would still draw more fans then the Meadowlands. He introduced the Tristate area to crazy wives before Anna Benson and the former, richer Mrs. Strahan, and convinced slightly motivated and highly overpaid versions of Alonzo Mourning and Vince Carter to wear the Nets blue/white/grey/red/whatever jerseys.
Plus, it’s a shame the Navy recently shot his kids head down from space. Christ, it’s like Sputnik.
Vince Carter
A disaster 3 days before he got here. Remember that Nike commerical with Carter and Jefferson going toe-to-toe in dunks before he was traded to New Jersey? The commercial was funny because they were the same person, only Carter had a little more skill, and half as much heart, energy, ethics, personality, and 100% less balls and 200% more vagina. Seriously, would anyone in 2003 have traded what K-mart brought to the Nets for this Vinidiot? Because that’s essentially what happened. Thanks, Bruce Ratner, for giving us this piece of shit.
Jason Collins
Tim Duncan: Righty tighty, lefty loosy!
O, Unsung Soldier,
We miss thee.Ye were brought to us for the rights to Eddie Griffin,
along with RJ and Brandon Amrstrong.
You could not score,
You could barely rebound,
You were helpless against Shaq,
But dammit, you were always there,
And you always made a few good plays,
and you defended everyone but Shaq extremely well,
And you were a good teammate.
And most importantly,
Griffin got drunk and drove into an oncoming train at the age of 25,
and now we have shittin’ Stromile Swift.
You are way better than either of those assholes.
We miss thee,
O, Unsung Soldier.
Todd MacCulloch
Eric Snow: Stick with me, bitch, I’ll have you pulling in $125 a night! Now you see that older gentleman over there?
Todd MacCulloch:*Gulp*
Speaking of Unsung soldiers, Todd brought more intangibles to this team by spacing out the offense and passing well and playing respectable defense. But since he played in the time where Shaq could destroy him, we got rid of Todd for…
Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo
aka Dikembe Mutombo
WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO!!!
Devin Harris
Our new Net! Traded to us from a team poised for a spirited playoff run to a semi-homeless pile of crap. Drinks Appletinis. Heal up from that sprained ankle and report to Riker’s pronto, Devin.
Clifford Robinson
The last active member of the early 90’s Portland Trailblazers I so dearly loved. Then he started getting suspended a lot, including with the Nets in the playoffs against Miami when we really needed him. I blame these guys:
GA: Uncle Cliffy!
AJ: Wanna talk to Sampson?
LH: Fucking Chicago!?!? Aw, C’mon!!
Yinka Dare
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
Brian Scalabrine
HAHAOHOHOAHAOHOHO
Gheorge Muerasan
I couldn’t find the “Score one for Zee Kids!!!” commercial, but maybe the ESPN Dancing commerical will suffice at explaining the glories of My Giant.
Drazen Petrovic
Aw. Germans drive fast, making his death somehow more tragic then Yinka Dare’s. What, you didn’t know Yinka died 4 years ago?
Keith Van Horrrrrn
Derided as being soft and unclutch even after making the shot that beat Indiana. Also, Ken used to say “Keith Van Horrrrrrrrrrn!!!” before missing a beer pong shot. Now he will earn $4,300,000 to sit on a bench for a month. Lucky bastard.
Kenyon Martin
Yeah Bruce, it’s always a good idea to trade away the jowelly heart and soul of a team for draft picks, and then trade those away for the heartless, souless Carter. Choke on Jay-Z’s dick, please.
Richard Jefferson
Save us, Obi Wan Jefferson. You’re our only hope. The only Net left from the glory years, a guy who came to our team on draft day 2001 in exchange for a guy who drove his car into a frigging train. Start hanging out with Obama and learn some speeches, because our hope lies in you, The Nad, and a guy holding an appletini. With that, I think I might need to start hanging out with Antwan and Gilbert again.
